Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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