Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
