Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
