If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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