for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
