Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i now understand why vodka
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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