Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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