No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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