so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
