She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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