so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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