if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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