Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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