so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
