I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Life without a bra equals bliss.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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