I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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