the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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