Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
