Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
im six kinds of drunk right now
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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