I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
