Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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