sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
