I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize