You're completely useless in the revolution.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just found a bag of teeth...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
