The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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