So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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