you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
