She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
