dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
