I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
