sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
