Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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