When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
