She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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