I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
