I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How does it feel to date your dad?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
