I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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