Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
