I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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