My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
