I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
