Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
