I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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