Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
