Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
