I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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