I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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