just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
