Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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