This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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