My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
