The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
